According to a report conducted by the U.S. Census Bureau, fathers ages 15 and over make up 61.6% of the adult male population. The presence of these fathers in the lives of their children are proven to have a positive effect on the child in areas including sociability, academic performance, and overall well-being.
Over the years, research has shown that despite popular belief, the presence of a father in a child’s life is not solely determined by whether or not he lives with his children or by whether or not he is married to the child’s mother.
Focusing on Black fathers, it has been found that whether they live with their children or not, they are still the most actively involved in their children’s lives. Seventy percent of Black fathers reported to have “bathed, dressed, diapered, or helped their children use the toilet every day compared with white (60%) and Hispanic fathers (45%).”
Black men value being dads. According to a survey conducted by The Washington Post/Kaiser Family Foundation/Harvard University, 83% of Black men ages 18-29 said that having children was a very important or somewhat important aspiration. So, in celebration of Father’s Day, find out what these Black dads have to say about their journey with fatherhood.
Meet The Dads
Kensington Shields Dutton | 38
First became a father: age 23
First reaction: “It was a little bit chaotic because I was a senior in undergrad, so it caught me by surprise and I was a little stressed out.”
Zachary Evans | 26
First became a father: age 23
First reaction: “It’s funny because I’m the one who actually told Adena that she should take a test just because of how she was feeling. Once she found out then it was like alright well I guess this is just the next step, but it was exciting to see what was to come.”
Jeremiah Ball | 22
First became a father: age 21
First reaction: “Excitement, anxiety, depression.” I had just lost my job, I was still in school… it just seemed like it was going to be impossible to raise a child in those circumstances.”
James Hosey | 28
First became a father: age 23
First reaction: “I was definitely nervous because I was selfish in my earlier twenties, but I realized that now I had to change those ways because I was going to have a little one that was going to look up to me for everything.”
Justin Thicklin | 25
First became a father: age 23
First reaction: “Shocked.”
Anthony Snell | 35
First became a father: age 27
*had his first biological son at 30*
First reaction: “I was 30. I thought I couldn’t have children. So, when I was married, and she showed me the results, it was mind-blowing. It was a miracle for me, it was surreal. I was very excited.”
Devonte Bennett Bey | 26
First became a father: age 18
First reaction: “Very excited. I was with my best friend at the time who became my wife, so we were very excited to have our first child.”
Making Changes
Letting go of your former self can be difficult but becoming a parent can become cause enough for a shift in action and mindset in terms of responsibility and priorities.
Kensington: “Everything about me changed. I mean the fact that I knew I was going to have a little human that I was responsible for coming into this world accelerated my maturation process. I wanted to become more responsible. Definitely the thought of being employed after college was super important. I had to take life more seriously. I had to change a lot of things I did, definitely no more hanging out and partying like I did before.”
Zachary: “Watching him grow day by day and just seeing him develop and seeing myself develop as far as being more responsible, being more attentive, and just handling things in a way I wasn’t before he was born. I’m definitely more of a homebody. I used to be out going to clubs and all that different stuff, so I think it’s definitely calmed me down and made me mature just to make sure I’m taking care of everything I need to at home. It’s also just made me think of the future as far as what I want, what I want for him, and what I want to be able to provide.”
Justin: “It helps you prioritize life differently. It allows you to realize that nothing in life is just about you anymore. It has allowed me to see life through a whole different set of lenses, realizing that I’m not the only person depending on my actions. I have a whole other life that is depending on the things that I do daily throughout life to make sure that they’re better and to make sure that they’re ok. It makes you move more selflessly of course. I have very little room to mess up. I have to get things right or at least keep trying because it’s not just about me.”
Anthony: “There are certain situations especially if they’re with me that I’d handle differently than if I didn’t have them looking towards me as a role model, as an example. I was kind of in the streets and drinking alcohol. I learned that you lead by example in your actions, so if I tell my children don’t smoke or don’t drink but then when they come around they see me do it or if they come around and I have to hide it, that means I don’t need to be doing it. So, I love to lead by example and since they’re looking up to me and I want them to be the greatest they can be in life, I changed a lot that I’ve done. I’ve actually gotten more into being led by Christ and being with God. I needed that foundation and so being that example for them changed my life a lot. I make more sound decisions than I used to.”
Relationships with Parents
The relationship a dad has with his father can impact the way in which he chooses to parent his own child.
Zachary: “My father and I don’t have the closest relationship. We don’t really talk that often. Because my dad wasn’t around I think that just made me want to make sure I’m present in my son’s life and making sure I’m there because there’s a lot of moments he missed that I don’t want to miss and just a lot of thoughts that I had that I wouldn’t want Xavier to have.”
Justin: “My dad’s my hero. He’s the reason why I am the father I am honestly. I always tell people I’m blessed and fortunate to have one of those situations where I did have a father in my life and he wasn’t just an alright dad, he was a great dad.
Ever since my son, our relationship has gotten better because I have different conversations with him now. It’s not just father, son, but man-to-man on how to be a better father. It’s just certain advice and certain realities that he shows me that I will have to go through especially still being a young father and he prepares me the best way he possibly can.
He’s always there. If I call he’ll respond, he’ll hear me out. I feel like the relationship with my father has gotten better especially since being a dad. He’s just been a listening ear and a helping hand to make sure I’m being the best person that I can be for my son like how he was for me.
My dad taught me that kids spell love t-i-m-e. It’s not about the money you ever give your children, it’s about the time that you spend with them. For me I try to be as present as possible and that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do with my son since he’s been here just, so he can recognize me and understand that I’m there for him. My dad being there for me was more important than any dollar he’s ever given me in my life.”
Favorite Parts of Being a Dad
Being a father is a rewarding experience.
Kensington: I don’t know if there is just one favorite part of being a dad. I mean I enjoy it all: the ups, the downs, everything about it. I just kind of enjoy the journey. I enjoy watching this unique person who I’m responsible for go through and have life lessons and learn things throughout life. Some things I already know, some things we learn together, but definitely just being present and being able to bear witness to someone realizing their potential as a person is something that means the world to me.”
Jeremiah: “Quality time. Spending time with my daughter is the most rewarding part. I want to show her to the world. She’s gorgeous. I love spending time with her, I love going to the park with her. I love just riding in the car and she’s looking around just trying to figure out what’s going on. Just allowing her to get to know me and me getting to know her and watching her grow up from when she was born to now is crazy. She’s walking and running and everything. I’m trying to keep up with her.”
Justin: “It’s the best job I’ve ever had. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. One of the best parts of being a dad is just that bad days don’t exist around my son. Everything could be crashing down around me, and I will never let my son see that because physically I can’t. I can’t give him the problems that the world gives me so when I’m around him I’m having a great time. Bad days truly don’t exist around Malik.”
Anthony: “I’m a co-parent so I cherish every moment because I want to be with them every day but unfortunately, I can’t. So, the moments that I’m with them, the smiles, and just that personal time I spend with them is priceless. When your time is limited I think you appreciate it a little more and you try to teach them as much as you can in that little bit of time and you teach them those values and principles, that love and respect to have for the world, to have for your brother, your mom, for me, and for yourself.”
Memories
“An image or impression of one that is remembered.”
Jeremiah: “Her very first bath. When we gave her her first bath she was crying, she was just all over the place. She didn’t know what was happening, but it was such a special moment for me because it was like ‘I’m never going to forget this like ever.’ I’m always going to remember her first bath and I’ll always be able to tell that story, so she’ll know that her dad was there. She’ll never have to think or overthink or try to remember that her dad was there. She’s going to know that I was there, and I think that’s special to her and to me at the same time.”
James: “On my birthday I ended up going to see her and for some reason we just really connected. I held her for like an hour or two and I just talked to her and called her beautiful. I think at that time it was the first time that I was able to accept that she is going to be ok in this hospital and she’s going to come home and do great things.”
Premature Babies
Unexpected pregnancy complications.
James: “Two weeks before she was born we were in the hospital for like seven days. We didn’t really know what was going on and then her water broke on July 27. My emotions were everywhere because you don’t know what’s going to happen, you don’t know if the delivery is going to be safe. You just don’t know and its 26 weeks early so we’re like ‘wow’. So as far as from an emotional standpoint it was tough because she was in the hospital for three months. That’s an everyday battle of us having to go to the hospital and once again this is during Covid so having to go to the hospital, having to go through the Covid procedures just to see my daughter and just seeing her pretty much in an incubator every day. We could only hold her for probably an hour or less throughout the day and this was from July 27 all the way through Oct. 10.
“That was very draining, mentally draining. At times it was very discouraging. It was hard because you know you have a child and you want to protect and hold your child, but you can’t because they’re in the hospital for three months.”
Devonte: “With my third child he’s been my biggest challenge and that’s just because he was born with kidney issues, kidney damage. When we were pregnant with him that was our most stressful pregnancy. We were actually told at around 28 weeks that we should abort the baby and that just of course didn’t sit right with us. So, my wife ended up going through a couple different surgeries. They weren’t really experimental, but they weren’t really well known either because the cause of his kidney damage was a very rare situation… but she survived all of that.”
“Everything came out cool and my son came out with a little bit of damage, but he came out good. So, he was on medication heavy for the first year, he was a premature baby in the NICU, so it was a tougher time with him. With him, he really brought me back to becoming a researcher and taking my time studying and just trying to grasp more knowledge of the world and things of the nature of medicine. Because of him I study herbal medicine, because of him I study medicine in general.”
Losing a Child
The process of grieving and healing.
James: “As far as losing a child, it’s definitely hard. As a father, the mother is the one that carries the child during the pregnancy, so you want to be sensitive to that and you want to not make it about you but make sure that the mom is…because they’re going through it. They can be dealing with postpartum at the same time as dealing with the loss of a child. So for me it was just trying to make sure my girlfriend was ok and I had times when I would break down but it’s still so fresh and were still going through the healing process now so I’ll have my days when I’ll breakdown out of nowhere and it’s just because the loss of a child is a feeling I would definitely not want anyone to feel. I feel for all the mothers that go through miscarriages, have stillborn babies, or just any phase within that nature because it definitely is a painful feeling.”
“It’s a connection you have with your child and once they leave here that connection is gone. My daughter was only six months, but I was already thinking about her prom, her homecoming, getting her her first car and setting up money for college and all those things that just run through your mind even as they’re so young because you’re pretty much just planning their life out.”
“Still to this day God is just really carrying us through this situation.”
The Persona
What personality traits can you see in your kids already?
Justin: “I guess the curse with having a son that looks like you is that they don’t take on any of your personality traits or very little. I couldn’t win everything. He acts like his mother, but he looks like me. One thing I do love about him is his laugh. Once he gets in the mode of laughing he’ll just keep laughing. It’s always a joke to him. I can be so serious and I’m not good at being strict yet that’s why I’m kind of glad I didn’t have a girl first because I never would have been able to, but I’ll say something serious and he’ll laugh.”
“Another personality trait is that he’s very observant. He has these big eyes and he’ll always look around and he wears his emotion on his face and that’s one thing he didn’t get from me at all. So, if he doesn’t like something you’ll see it. He’ll let you know physically he doesn’t like something, its written all over his face.”
Devonte: “My sons have no fear, if they want to do something they go do it. They are very confident and aware of who they are, of what they want to represent, what morals and guidelines they have to follow.”
“They’re very expressive and in tune with themselves. My sons tell me things about God and it’s like crazy hearing that. I remember one time I was going through a bit of depression and my oldest came to me and he was like ‘daddy I can see your soul is crying, it’s ok.’ My mind was blown. I was like ‘what you’re six years old, what are you talking about you can see my soul,’ what?”
